ugh; just please.

sick
tired
irritated
confused
i just dont know what to do anymore.
let me give up already,
but ill "fight the good fight"
and "finish the race."
i should have expected it already,
ever since freshman year,
maybe sooner,
but especially this week,
i didnt think that it would be so difficult.

just man.
end this already.
let me just make it to sunday.
that's all im asking for.
just be with me in every step,
and with every lyric.
be my strength, my will.
quench my thirst, feed my hunger.
everything i miss and yearn for.
just let me know that You're still there,
that You haven't left me, that You haven't given up on me just yet.

is it another test[S]?
maybe, hopefully
its just Him telling me that He still loves me.
that's what im counting on.
that's what im praying for.
that's what ive been living for.

Hoping for
Sunday Sunday Sunday
and the rest of my life
i've examined.
done my best to change, adapt, grow, to fight
Please do not be blinded by my faults,
but turn your eyes to my efforts..
although it will never compare..
I'll be there sunday,
if You're willing.
I'll be waiting,
and praying that You'll be waiting for me too.
just please..

maybeoneday.

there is one thing that i'll never ask from you.
because i know you.
your beliefs
your outlooks
your perspectives.
i know you.
i know the person you have grown to be
and how you are.
how youll respond to people, situations, environments
[although, you do surprise me every now and then]

and it would be way to selfish of me to ask.
too needy, clingy[?maybe?, no that's not the right word.. but]
no matter how much i'd want, like, love to have this done..
i dont know if ill ever have the courage to bring it up
or to ask you of this "favor".
especially since its so different from what youre used to..

but maybe one day.
if i gather up the strength..
if ever, if ever.
ill probably do it hidden-ly.
embedded within something else.
and ill just leave it up to you to be open minded about it
to fully realize what im trying to let you know, realize, understand.
to invite you.
[hopefully theres a few who know what im referring to]
but.
sigh.

and if that one day comes.
ill let you decide for yourself.
i wont try to convince you.
or change your mind.
ill let you think what you want to think
and believe what you want to believe.
....and as selfish as it may sound,
id want you to pick and go along with..
im sorry
im just ....
never mind.
=T
thats it.

subtract.

in simple terms,
you're different.
and everyone can tell.
believe me, everyone can notice.
even those that do not fully know you..

it's just the way you are.
your understanding,
perspectives,
style,
personality.
attention "grabber"
eye catcher
people pleaser, but moderately
sweet..
just everything.
you're different.
not bad different.
giving off hope
and reassuring that everything isn't the "same".
that there are certain maneuvers and directions that we can take
to find what we want.
to find what we... need.

i beg of you, please don't change.
life will allow you to grow,
but never veer away from that.
you are always you..
find strength in every obstacle.
self motivated.
"self reliant"
but an occasional pick me up and extra support is always at hand if needed.
im here.
dont you forget that.
although many have,
i hope that you don't fall under that category.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ugh. why does it matter so much to me.
why do i have to care so much?
how will it benefit me worrying and being so cautious of what others may think?
what's the point?
why does everyone feel the need of approval?
urgh.
[elaborate later..[?]]

silence

has so many secrets.

whether it be being such in shock and just left with no strength to speak.
paralyzed. speechless.

or maybe it's just holding back the feelings that you have no courage to say.
shy. hesitant. cautious.
afraid of ruining your relationship with someone.
scared of hurting their feelings..

but i guess that was your intention all along.
no sweety, there's no point it defending yourself.
you got this all wrong.
you were the one with the game plan
the one with a strategy that no one think of.
unpredictable.
deng, youre good.
you shocked us all
we didnt know you had it in you.
you definitely surpassed my expectations.
above and beyond.
A+ for you.
now why dont you tell everyone what you accomplished?
you win.
hall of fame.
yea, thanks for stealing away from my family
youre infamous
havent heard from you in years.
i guess thats how it works nowadays, huh?
pull you in, then cut you off once its time or once your prey has become so attached.
we were warned, but ignored it.
thinking that you changed your ways and that you wouldnt dare,
but you proved all of us wrong.
from living under the same roof to moving miles away
just remember that you can never to move too far to forget your past
and how much youve hurt us.

determination vs doubt

in life, negativity, struggle, and change is inevitable.
and this is where determination and the mind set of a goal comes in.

this weekend, starting at 8 o' clock am on Friday, February 27 to 2 o'clock pm on Saturday, February 28, [along with the interact club at school] i endured a thirty hour famine to raise awareness for world hunger.
famine= no eating.
as in food whatsover.
[including smoothies]

my mom was hesitant in signing the release form,
to allow me to participate in this endeavor.
but with the constant nagging, she finally let me.

negativity.
"you want to die dont you?"
"congratulations, youre an official idiot"
"look at your face"
"thats why youre sick"
constant comments came my way.
it was not coupled with genuine concern or worry,
but rather with the thought that i was filled with foolishness and stupidity.
my grandma saw no purpose in starving for other people.
but it had value and importance to me.
she would always have something to say.
and with her facial expression, she would shake her head in disapproval.

as for my brother.
he was taunting me throughout the whole day with food.
shoving it in my face and leaving snacks in every sight
to see if i would give in and cut my thirty hours short.
but i continued to ignore his efforts

struggle.
on saturday morning, i woke up with a headache.
when i tried to get up from bed,
i automatically felt shaky and gravity kept trying to pull me down.
the room kept on spinning and my sense of balance was nowhere in my reach.
>>*all of this i kept to myself of course.
i found myself with a fever,
with harsh coughs and mixed temperatures of hot and cold.
i tried to cover up the pain,
but it was clearly written across my pale, weak face.
anyone could read in my slow movements, that something was wrong,
but i continued to play if off like i was perfectly fine.

we were at a restaurant at one thirty for a late lunch.
and my grandma, yet again, was trying to get me to eat.
she kept pushing food towards me.
and kept saying that soup doesnt count
and that i only had a couple minutes left, so i might as well start eating,
but i had no intention on "cheating" or giving up,
especially since i made it so far.
i did not care about the pain,
it just pushed me to keep going.

change.
im truly thankful for what i have,
especially compared to those who do not have much.
this is why i did it.
there are those who deal with this pain every day,
and for me to only struggle with it for a mere thirty hours doesnt seem fair at all.
who am i to complain?
who am i to be picky about food?
when there are those who have nothing to pick from.. =T
sitting at that restaurant for half an hour,
with the food waiting to be eaten,
it just didnt seem right.
when 1:59 merged into 2, i found myself with no appetite,
and i just forced myself to eat..
----------------------------------------------------
despite everything, i made it.
i completed the thirty hours.
i surpassed it.
even with all the ill feelings, i, excuse me, we did it.
[proud of all of us]

this is where determination and faith in yourself overpowers any insult, negativity, hunger, and sickness.
its where perseverance pushes any roadblock aside.
and where the will to continue kicks in.
where strength coupled with endurance keeps you going
just keep a firm trust in your potential, for it will surely beat any anyone's doubt
it may sound cliche, but you can honestly do anything you set your mind to.
lesson learned.