despite everything,

nothing has changed.
i feel the same.
even with everything that has happened,
it has never left.

it sucks when you have no idea to who to turn to.

cant help but think

you never had the intention to, did you?

it's been two long months

since our last real conversation.
you hella kept me in check.
and it's going to be many more til our next one.

..

i feel like we're like -----___________
i doubt you understand what i'm saying.
but what else am i supposed to expect?

hi[64]? you haven't changed one gahdam bit.

makarineh.

there are so many blogs saved as drafts on this thing.
no courage for me to post.
to make public.
no courage to fully admit to myself.

not to be so vain,

but i'm scared you're not speaking of me..

my sweet victory

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about where I've been, where I'm going, what I've accomplished, and on to what i want to do. [I guess due to the whole self-examination ordeal, especially with March coming up] And honestly, it's quite disappointing, realizing that I haven't done much.. at all. To think that during my whole 18 years of life I still haven't figured out what I excel in, what I have a devout passion for. [And what if I never find out.. But]
Right now, all I'm certain of is the people that I care for and the people and things I know that I want to stay in my life; all of which would slowly diminish my existence and make it harder to go about the day if they were to ever leave.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to keep all these things that are dear to me as tightly knit together as possible and how/what I ['m/have to be] willing to sacrifice to make it all happen.
--

And if I may, I must tell you, that this, made me smile. It's funny when you rummage through your past and think of the impact it has on the life that you have now. How it meant to you then and the difference it would have made if it made to your present.

breezy, it's not what you might be thinking. promise :]

craving

for a hella chill day.
with one good friend.
just one on one.
lay in the grass somewhere and just think

watch the clouds go by

watch a movie

grab some ice cream
just talk
attempt singing [maybe]

it's been awhile.
yeah, that's what i want.
someone please give me this day

the world sucks when

everything feels right,
but everything you grew up to believe in goes against it.

the world sucks when you're so confused that you don't know what to count as a "sign" anymore.
when this happens, i feel like the world is telling me to, "GROW UP It's time to make your own darn decisions. You have to stop relying on the things around you to decide for you."
Take responsibility.
We should have known what we were getting ourselves into.
---------------------------------------------

i remember reading, "it's not sacrifice if it doesn't hurt"
and if i give this up, it'll be one big part of me that will start struggling to get back on its own two feet.
and i dont know if the world is ready to make up for the lost ends.

yes, you better believe it.

if only everyone had the guts to say how they truly feel.
oh, how different the world would be.
oh, the endless possibilities.
only if there were no shy hesitancies
and being so afraid of what might happen
and "what if" questions would cease to exist because we would follow through to get the things we want, the things we need.
not necessarily act on impulse, but rely on our instincts. to fully trust in ourselves.
to quit second guessing ourselves,
but in my naive eyes, i feel that i drown myself in my insecurities
making myself so conscious of how every bit of action has a consequence
and how it would affect me,
even more so, how it would those around me. YOU.

so since this is basically impossible to become reality,
or for me at least,
despite all my wishing,
i know i will never be shy or not worry.
hence the purpose of this:
-oh how i wish i could tell you all these things in person.

1. so basically, im quite envious of you. Wait no, VERY envious. I love the happiness you have, and i cant wait to get my share. I love your personality, originality, stupidity, EVERYTHING. It's not that i want to be like you per se, its just that, my, you're blessed, humble. and thank goodness for you. and there's bits and pieces inside me that wish you were talking about me. i know youre not, so basically, im setting myself up for disappointment.
2. Hi, we haven't talked in awhile. and quite honestly, i miss our conversations. Simple and amusing. You keep things at ease. And for some reason, i feel like i dont have to act a certain way. I dont exactly have to impress you, but i can just be chill, and you wouldnt mind. You've gone through enough to know what to expect and to be wise and knowledgeable of the world. You know what to stay away from and what keeps you strong. You put value and are appreciative of what you have. Yeah, I'm jealous of you too. I can only wish that I have half of the qualities of what you have, even if you say you're still working on it. Basically, you're honestly, truly, amazing, and how lucky am I to even converse with you. It's silly of me, but i try to get to you sometimes, just so you can give me the slightest bit of attention. EASE. i admire it. i admire you.
3. I CANNOT believe you. but i guess you got to do what you got to do. and excuse me for questioning and going against your reasoning, but i guess its just i thought you'd always be there for me.
4. New things. New beginnings. A new world. I'm simply thankful, know that.
5. You don't know this, but i cry a little bit every time i see you. Once i get that long awaited hug, my eyes well up knowing how much i've missed you. I think about the way things used to be, how i wish you were still here. I hope you know how much I care for you, how much i love you.
6. No words can describe you. I'm scared. Happy. Content. I want to stay, but I wish i had the courage to leave. I'm sorry i cant give you everything you want, I just wish you could fully understand me.
7. You have surprised me in the most ways possible. If i were to name the one person that has made me laugh the most, it would honestly be you. Thank you for everything.

There's more to be said, but nothing else at the same time.

"expect the unexpected, accept the unintended."

if theres one thing that ive learned from all of you is that you just never know. You never know whats going to be around the corner. Something to build you up or just another downfall. But either way... hm, you figure it out.

something different

you have freed me
unexpected but forever memorable
i always knew it was going to be you