itatwb.

it wasnt meant for you.
the past is catching up to me, great.

what my mother doesnt know.
over and over again.
"it's strange"

aha, & thanks.
you make me feel like
youre hiding [again].
because i know you dont tell me everything

too much

of one thing maybe too overwhelming.
thats why when these rare, short encounters arrive,
cherish them
savor them
because time never tasted soo sweet

and that little break that youll have between each visit
maybe hard to go by
but it will just make the next
so much better than the last,
leaving you to appreciate it more

=D

rushed

because life nor time doesnt stop for anybody.
no signs that tell you when you should yield
or green stoplights that aware you that it's "safe" or "okay" for you to go.
maybe reminders of when youre due for your next dentist appointment is,
but never a notification of when you are better and set to face the world again.

that's just life for you, a bit cruel isnt it?
how life and time seem to be so... impatient.
how we just cannot wait a bit longer, til we are actually ready.
what are these two best friends, hand in hand, running off to?
where are they going in such a hurry?
[the END, my mom would say]
everything is flying right passed us before we even get to soak up what we currently have.
[especially all we need is MORE time.
--to let things settle and breathe in all the latest hurting happenings]


"appreciate this moment.."
"life is short.."
blah blah blah,
all those quotes floating around on post/greeting cards seem to be so cliche,
so dead, pretty much emotionless because its just words written across some fancy paper.
but maybe theyre all just served as life's reminder.
something we cannot escape.
and [it kind of sucks] that it is all true.


but i guess,just remember what was the reason why you kept holding on,
and why you didnt give up sooner.

oh my,

i was a depressing little girl, wasnt i?

[look what i found]
id prefer that all sights were to target us.
but the toll to let these dreams be considered a reality
would peak so far above our heads.
and the highest capacity for this barrier, pertaining to this predicament does not even surpass me.
and yet with these passel of vivacities,
your expectation continues to be exceedingly higher than actuality.

desire leaves us heart broken it wears us out.
desire can wreck your life

you always manage to haunt me.
despite my efforts,
and how far i've come,
you always come back.

at the worse possible times.

at my moments of progress and my getting ahead and passed you,
there you are again,
at some sudden turn,
there you are.

waiting,
for my attention to be set undividedly for you.


but,
i
will
not
let
it
hold me back.


done.




or maybe a little girl that had to face the facts a little to early in life.

--

youre lucky that i respect you enough to never talk back to you
that i wont go off on you in front of a big crowd
and tell everyone what youve done or been doing
that im strong enough that i wont let you see me cry
or see how much youre able to hurt me
youre so lucky that youre still invited and welcomed to this house

i love how you always happen to get your way when you need or want something
but after that, we're strangers again.
i swear,
you.
are.
so.
lucky.

and it just sucks because theres no point in telling you whats wrong
because you wont change your ways
your attitude and ignorance wont allow it
effayekayee

wtheck?

how did i just 'follow' myself?
and how do i stop?

thanks for reading.
sorry you cant get the last 10 seconds you spent
reading this useless blog.
love you,
i owe you
=]

broken smile

eff.

you can do so much to attempt to amuse yourself.
be it friends, family, books, internet, tv, etc.
you can do so much to have that smile seem brighter,
as if it had a permanent residence on your face
deeply rooted with no intention to move.
but, smiles, arent so permanent.
and lately,
its clearly evident when it comes to my physical features.

despite the clear attempts of it all to be everlasting;
swollen gums, a heavy heart, and a conflicted mind
seems to weigh a trying smile down.
the burden of your past and bittersweet present
just leaves you with an unsettling balance.
a mixture of not knowing what to do
or not being able to realize right from wrong.
youre just paralyzed with the awareness of not being able to do anything
because nothing ever seems to make a difference anymore.
as if every action, every strive for the betterment of all situations, were just in vain, leaving you at square one, if not further away from the starting point.


happy. easy, breezy, beautiful, covergirl.
its all cover up.
for what was lost
to what no longer is in reach
to once was.
make up.
but it could only go so far,
it could only do so much.
make up.
it can cover up the blemishes
the embarrassing birthmarks
or the rather-not-have-questioned scars
it can take place of your loss of color
from your no longer blushing, shy cheeks
but the natural glisten in your eyes are no longer present
nor will they speak words unsaid
youll be left with a made up face,
and a broken smile.
physical. mental. emotional.
happy, yes "happy"
baby, its all cover up

smdsbsmn

it's eye opening when you realize how much you care for someone,
or how much they care for you.
you see what is the extent of this so-called, love, care, friendship.
whether it be negative or not.
you finally come to the awareness of how much someone means to you.
maybe you didn't know how much you did care,
or sadly, maybe you realized your love for them isn't/wasn't as strong as you always believed it was.
and it's [un]fortunate how it takes a certain situation or event to come to this conclusion.
you act on how far you're willing to go for them,
to push for their presence,
or if you'll just let them walk out of your life without a fight..

Thursday, July 2, 2009
To Whom it May Concern:
you've made my list.
honestly, one my top priorities.
i know who i want to keep in my life.
i know who i want to keep in touch with after high school, college, whatever life brings.
i know who is worth talking to, making time for, my effort, who is worth the fight.
who is really of value and beneficial to me.
i've come to realize who i would really hate to lose.
letters, comments, wall posts, texts, emails, phone calls, everything will be coming your way. and this time, i really will try. now it's just on your end to accept it.
love you.
always have, always will.
you are and will be forever amazing.
you've made your impact on me.
and if somehow time and distance still manage to keep us apart,
you've left your mark, and you will not be forgotten, i promise.

Better Late Than Never,
Nicole